Welcome to CorpX Onboarding
Start strong. Start confused.
8:00 AM – Welcome Email (Maybe)
HR sends you a cheerful welcome email — or they forget. Attachments include PDFs nobody reads and broken links to mandatory compliance training.
9:00 AM – Waiting for IT
Your laptop might arrive today! If it does, expect expired VPN credentials and security software that blocks half your tools.
10:30 AM – Meet Your Manager (Briefly)
Fifteen minutes of vague enthusiasm followed by "We'll circle back on expectations."
11:00 AM – Environment Setup Adventure
Follow outdated setup guides. Open six tickets for missing permissions. Wait.
12:30 PM – Mandatory Culture Training
Watch a 40-minute video about collaboration featuring stock footage of high-fiving strangers.
2:00 PM – First Real Assignment
Investigate a legacy system assigned two years ago. No documentation. No context. Good luck!
3:30 PM – Team Meet & Greet
Join a muted Zoom call where someone named Chris says "Welcome!" before disappearing.
4:30 PM – Corporate Slack Induction
Added to 37 channels instantly. Spend an hour decoding acronyms and locating the team you allegedly joined.